One of my most recent revelations is how some things have remained the same. Oh, I don’t mean the same after Alan’s death because everything has pretty much changed, in that regard.

But the realization that in some ways I’m still the girl, who was on my own back in the early 70’s. The girl who was lonely living alone in Hollywood, California and wanting to feel not so lonely.

I made poor choices often and, in many ways, my marriage to Alan wasn’t well thought out either.

 We only knew each other four months before we married, and it was sort of a rebound “thing” for both of us. For me it was a rebound from a previously unthought out and short-lived marriage, and a rebound from the dismantling of our family home and my parent’s own marriage.

 A rebound from High School and not having any prospects for college or a future that was preordained or secure because the family trait of alcoholism left me a little shaky. 

That’s not to say I was an alcoholic, in fact I rarely drank and didn’t even partake of the drugs available it seemed, to everyone but me.

I needed an anchor and anyone’s life, to “coat tail” on… seemed like some sort of answer.

There are moments now when I feel like that young girl, wanting some sort of relief. And yet, I’m determined to see my way through all the offerings made available to me now.

Singularity, wisdom, staying in the moment, developing muscles, being non-reactive, learning what loving myself means, again.

And again.

I don’t take this time in my life lightly nor do I want it to slip away, morphing into something else right before my eyes.

Consciousness and intentionality are my themes for this year. And that doesn’t always look like quick relief or quick transformation.

It looks like honoring myself and this exquisite life

and Alan.

It looks like hanging on for the ride and feeling my own skin.

This is important work and an important time, maybe for all of us.

God knows, there is so much to be reactive to these days and its human nature to spin out of control.

My nature has shifted, to give myself credit. Maybe that’s how I’m different from the girl back in the day and I like her.

She hasn’t been given enough luxury for a long time now, though. 

I don’t know where to go for the right kind of massage or a pedicure, but I do know where to go for a good meal when this latest Omicron surge quiets down.

Even in my singularity I have good friends who understand my introvert nature and allow me time to emerge from this creative cocoon, from time to time.


It really is quite remarkable, this new life and maybe yours.

We are showing up, even some days when it feels like we’re not. 

Peace out my friends.

Peace love and happiness.

Maybe I’ll search out that “doobie,” (is that what it’s called?) my son gave me awhile back. Now that it’s legal and all…

Love for all of us,

Just saying…




It’s not always going to be easy. The truth is it’s not easy for anyone. Which is part of the human condition that encourages stamina and growth.

Remove the fear and you will fly. 

Yes indeedy…

17 thoughts on “Returning”

  1. Marylou,

    Wonderful article and you will probably LAUGH OUT LOUD! I had to look up a Doobie! I had no idea what that was! Over 50 years ago, I would meet Jerry at a house he was renting with a friend. I got off school, before he came home from work and I would always wait in his room. This one day he found me sitting out on the porch. He asked if anything was wrong. I told him no. I went to his room and Michael, his friend, was cooking or doing something and the smell, literally made me sick to my stomach. i could not stay inside. So Jerry went in to find out what he was doing that smelled so horrible? (remember, I am a Highly Sensitive Person… decades before I know about those things!) He came out laughing out loud! Tell me Michael was smoking a Joint. I had to ask what that was too!

    So I have NO desire to ever smoke any! I have refused all brownies a couple of times, which I was told had it in them. I had heard the result of eating them, and this was way back in the 60’s with good quality, strong stuff! However, I have had friends use it for pain and other things for years and happy it is now so available. Except in my sort of health food store. You can get it in gummy bears, chocolate candy, drinks, and all kinds of things which children and adults can consume! I am not sure it is something you should put in a dozens of kinds of foods just to sell them and make them expensive! Last Valentines Day they had a Smore’s KIT with graham crackers marshmallows and chocolate bars with CBD in in them! I thought that was a little over the top!!

    Laughing, still Happy…. Morgine

    1. I love your story, Morgine… thank you! Isn’t it fun to go back and re-live those younger days? We were different people back then. Yep, CBD and cannabis are available to the public in so many versions. I do know it has helped lots of people including my son, who is a huge advocate. It has healed him in so many ways. I’m glad I made you laugh my friend. In the end, I didn’t partake…I am such a light weight.

      1. You my dear friend are indeed a lightweight 🥰. You can have just one puff and put it out.
        Yes I am one of the friends that does use it for chronic migraines.
        I am a lightweight too so very little in my vaporizer. It’s so I don’t use up my migraine medication before refill.
        And you have ever experienced sea sickness… that is the nausea migraines bring. About 2-5 minutes it’s gone so I can have dinner. 🥰

  2. Thank you Marylou for sharing your life. It so touched me as we are so much the same in so many ways. I too married a man first time round because I was running away from the responsibility of looking after my mum. My parents marriage had finished when I was around 14 after years of arguments related to my fathers drinking. My first husband was a good man and I knew I would be safe because he didnt drink. That was my criteria for a husband back then. I too had made some unwise choices up to then looking for love in all the wrong places. I left when I realised we both deserved to be happy for all the right reasons. I am now 30 years into my second marriage and wondering if it’s time to move on for the same reasons. Life is interesting isn’t it. These strange times we live in have given us all I think time to get to know us better which is a blessing and maybe after all this is done we will be more grateful for the gap in our busyness . Big hugs

    1. Hi Jackie…I think of you so often and especially when I wear the beautiful orange scarf you gifted me. It’s one of my favorites this winter season and makes me feel so bright. Thank you for sharing your journey, my friend..Yes, Life is interesting and all about
      growing and making conscious choices,I think… as best we can. You’ll know what to do, I know…Sending love

  3. I have b een concerned for you. I relaxed a bit when I saw your post. I miss you. How is everybody. ? love and hope for wisdom suzanne


  4. Marylou….
    Wow, some old similar stuff came up for me after reading another one of your very insightful posts. And others’ stories too. I was one of those “looking for love in all the wrong places” too (Jacki). I was 23 when I married but was probably trying to escape the effects of alcohol in my extended family. Drinking seemed so normal to me. (In my family it really wasn’t. )

    I stayed with and took care of my first husband until he died with health issues and dementia at 67. He was 12 years older than me. No doubt we loved each other but I’m not sure we were meant to marry though we did. And I have 2 beautiful adult children now. No regrets about that.
    I stayed with him 31 years probably due to fear. Fear of the unknown, etc. Not wanting my children to go through a divorce. And on and on. He was alcoholic but not abusive. Just not very engaged with his family. Wish I had had Jacki’s insight that we both deserved to be happy.
    I knew I would remarry when he died and I was only 54. Am with a great guy now… over 10 years…
    I think I “coat tailed” onto my first husband. I was adrift.
    Now I’m trying to find my creative side after squelching it for many years.
    I will get there.
    It helps to read your blog and comments from other women on their journey.
    Wishing you well, Marylou. I’m so grateful for your writing and especially your art.
    Sending big hugs…. Sara

    1. Thank you Sara…for your kindness and affirmation. Thank you for sharing the truth behind your story and the distance you’ve traveled over the years. I’m thrilled to know you found another partner to share your life with.Good for you. It’s so cool to read everyones comments, knowing that truth telling and openness bridges the perceived gaps we feel may separate us. We are not that different. Sending gratitude and hugs…

  5. 2:24am and here I sit on the throne, cold, weary, reading your story which reads like I could have written it myself. That is, except for the loss of a beloved. I was never that fortunate to have that longed for relationship so I learned early on how hard life can be, how only the strong can survive. My birthday was this past week and I’m surprised to know that I’m still here while being grateful for the time. Tragic, hard times will either forge one into a strong entity or break one up into little pieces. Therapy really does help to discover long buried hurts and resulting responses. You either face them and seek out guidance or never get past them. But it can wear one out to keep dragging all the painful hurts, It weighs one down and the wonderfulness of life seems to be too far away to contemplate. We’re all on a journey, the wonderful journey of life. We may not know what’s around the corner, but isn’t it wonderful to be here; to know we’re.strong, brave, and truly a unique person!

    1. Oh Jan, I din’t make your comment public, unless you want me too. How awesome to know we were connected by words, in the middle of the night, while you were sitting on your throne. You have been heroic, it sounds like, and I’m grateful to know you have a therapist to walk along side you. Yes, life can be exhausting but you are showing up, uniquely strong and brave! Thank you for letting me see you… so grateful. With love and hugs…marylou

      1. Mary Lou, I’m not in therapy now, but having been in therapy at various crossroads in my life it was so crucial to becoming the person I am today. I face life squarely with the knowledge that you either learn from your experiences or you don’t. I’ve been urged, by more than one person, to write my life story. It would be a tribute to my mother whose brother wrote my father that “The diagnosis was cancer but, she died of a broken heart.”. Kidnapped at 14-15 months old, by my father, I only saw her briefly when I was about 11. My father’s cruel act colored my life for many decades. Therapy saved me. It led me down the path of strength, courage, kindness even in the worst of times.

      2. Wow…what an incredible, life altering story, Jan. Yes, maybe you should write your story when you are ready. Only if you are wanting too, though. It is perfect you asked and found help.. and that you had the courage. Sending awe and gratitude… with love

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