One of my most recent revelations is how some things have remained the same. Oh, I don’t mean the same after Alan’s death because everything has pretty much changed, in that regard.
But the realization that in some ways I’m still the girl, who was on my own back in the early 70’s. The girl who was lonely living alone in Hollywood, California and wanting to feel not so lonely.
I made poor choices often and, in many ways, my marriage to Alan wasn’t well thought out either.
We only knew each other four months before we married, and it was sort of a rebound “thing” for both of us. For me it was a rebound from a previously unthought out and short-lived marriage, and a rebound from the dismantling of our family home and my parent’s own marriage.
A rebound from High School and not having any prospects for college or a future that was preordained or secure because the family trait of alcoholism left me a little shaky.
That’s not to say I was an alcoholic, in fact I rarely drank and didn’t even partake of the drugs available it seemed, to everyone but me.
I needed an anchor and anyone’s life, to “coat tail” on… seemed like some sort of answer.
There are moments now when I feel like that young girl, wanting some sort of relief. And yet, I’m determined to see my way through all the offerings made available to me now.
Singularity, wisdom, staying in the moment, developing muscles, being non-reactive, learning what loving myself means, again.
I don’t take this time in my life lightly nor do I want it to slip away, morphing into something else right before my eyes.
Consciousness and intentionality are my themes for this year. And that doesn’t always look like quick relief or quick transformation.
It looks like honoring myself and this exquisite life
It looks like hanging on for the ride and feeling my own skin.
This is important work and an important time, maybe for all of us.
God knows, there is so much to be reactive to these days and its human nature to spin out of control.
My nature has shifted, to give myself credit. Maybe that’s how I’m different from the girl back in the day and I like her.
She hasn’t been given enough luxury for a long time now, though.
I don’t know where to go for the right kind of massage or a pedicure, but I do know where to go for a good meal when this latest Omicron surge quiets down.
Even in my singularity I have good friends who understand my introvert nature and allow me time to emerge from this creative cocoon, from time to time.
It really is quite remarkable, this new life and maybe yours.
We are showing up, even some days when it feels like we’re not.
Peace out my friends.
Peace love and happiness.
Maybe I’ll search out that “doobie,” (is that what it’s called?) my son gave me awhile back. Now that it’s legal and all…
Love for all of us,
It’s not always going to be easy. The truth is it’s not easy for anyone. Which is part of the human condition that encourages stamina and growth.
Remove the fear and you will fly.