I’m Not Fifteen Anymore

I’m noticing couples more often these days conversing over items in the grocery store, heads touching and choosing ink cartridges in Staples.  I remember similar collaborations and how we consulted over the smallest things just because of proximity.

Small talk and small decisions are the ephemeral of life.

That feeling of ease and communication is what I’m noticing when I watch.

Surprisingly, it will be two years in October.

We do become complacent in long term marriages.

It seems we’ll always have time to connect and correct, converse and traverse, while leaning in.

I’ve lived that reality where questions are answered and daily planners prevail.

Where the sheets are washed by one and the coffee is made by the other, ground hog day in perpetual motion.

Rituals to be counted on, for sure.

I shopped for coffee beans and for the first time in a while, purchased whole ones.

Counting out four spoons full and grinding loudly, so early in the morning, is a way of saying, “I’m here.” 

The cute little woven pillow with a peace sign on my bed says, “I’m here, too.”

Cosmetics left out, snacks for dinner, sitting on the floor with my glass of red wine in the evening all remind me “I am still here.”

I can do this, and I want to do this.

And for now, there’s no room for another to fill the lonely moments.

Loneliness won’t kill us if we stay with it, breathe and give it time to transform into gratitude for the space and

opportunity.

I’m not fifteen anymore and so many opportunities were missed back then

but this one won’t be missed.

An older man called and invited me for pizza and after several invitations I said yes, knowing him as a former friend of Alan’s. After one evening I realized his story was more than I could hold.

For now, I hold myself. 

And my grand babies.

P.S. I don’t know how long this story goes but if it ends

there will be another story

for I love telling stories.

Thanks for hanging in…

And so, we go

gratefully

and with love,

Marylou

“whisper”

Do not look down at your feet, just keep dancing in the light.

All is well…all is very well.

It’s true

Isn’t She Lovely

6 thoughts on “I’m Not Fifteen Anymore”

  1. I love this writing from you Marylou ❤️ I am thankful for Rich, especially now as I heal. He is my Cheerleader indeed. I just today found that I now remember how to crochet! He’s 6 & 1/2 years older than I. I realize the reality that I must not take him for granted. We women seem to outlive our partners often.
    You always offer me hope in your experiences since Alan’s passing. Wise words always 💕
    Love for you ❤️Cindy

    1. Crocheting, Cindy…that is awesome! What fun. I know how much you and Rich mean to each other and what a help he’s been. Yes, don’t take anything for granted. Life has beginnings and endings and its best we don’t forget. It makes it easier when the time comes….sending love

  2. I lost my wife a year ago .. I so appreciate your sharing and so much resonates xxx thank you .. some of my writing about loss is over on my web http://www.clarebeloved.com and on my Instagram @clarejasminebeloved

    Clare Jasmine Beloved Artist & Creative “We are all dancing somewhere between derelict and divine”

    http://www.clarebeloved.com Text: 07813920489

    Art Gallery & Workshop Venue & Retail : Unit 6/7 Apsen Yard, 1 Aspen Grove, Liverpool, L8 0SR – Currently closed because of Covid Restrictions

    Check out my new podcast https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/memories-and-musings-with-clare-jasmine-beloved/id1553493185

    5 min film “I am Your Sista” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ud-0waNfrFo

    >

    1. I love it all, “Wild Warrior Clare”…your art and writings, your film and the work you are doing for women. May your journey of grief be a light for others as we navigate what we never expected. Losing a Life partner is a very difficult thing. Sending love…and good wishes. Marylou

  3. I love this and is true for me as well. I also love this print. Where can I purchase a copy of it? I saw this some time ago and fell in love with it.

    1. Thank you, Jocelyn. I’m so grateful to know we share common experiences. The print you are interested in is called “Isn’t She Lovely” and I’m able to save one for you. It’s printed on high quality 16″ x 20″ paper and sells for $125.00 and is also part of my “pieces of me” (cards) collection available on my website. Please e-mail marylou@mfalstreau.com and we will continue our conversation…again, thank you

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